Back in June 2010, I set out to see who Jesus was. It began with my first doubt of His existence that came up while watching a show on the History Channel. I grew up a “Christian” (or so I thought), was baptized (or so I thought) was a “good” person and was going to heaven because of it (so I thought)!!

I had zero knowledge of the Bible. I knew the Lord’s Prayer and a few hymns from church over the years. It was then I realized I didn’t even know who Jesus was. So I took out my bible which I had never read and set out to find out who Jesus was on my own. Having no guidance, I just began in Genesis.

I got to Exodus 20 where the law is given and saw that the penalty for breaking them was death. Something happened far deeper than reading these words on a surface level. My soul hit a road block called sin. No one had ever told me what sin was. In short it’s anything that isn’t of the character of God. But I didn’t know something like lying even once require death in a holy Gods eyes. That it kept me from the presence of God in my life. That I wouldn’t be with my Creator when I died because I wasn’t so good after all. I discovered later “There is none who are good, no not one.” Romans 3:10

The Holy Spirit did what He was sent to do, convict me of sin (John 16:8). As I read that these actions I’ve done required death, I was distraught. It was something so deep in me, in a crevice of my heart that had never been explored or felt. The certainty of my separation from God was undeniable. I got home that night and went straight to bed hoping to wake up normal the next day. I did not. It was heavy as the previous day. I got ready for work and before I left I sat at the computer to ask google 😆 how I can be forgiven of God for my sin.

Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.

And there He was, when I least expected Him. I didn’t learn about Him by reading of Him as thought I would. I was found by Him. I learned of Him by experiencing Him. I landed on a website that explained that Jesus is the Son of God. That He came to dwell on earth to take my death sentence upon Himself. I only needed to receive His pardon. I said a prayer that recognized I was a sinner and needed Him to cleanse my sin away. I declared Him Lord in the prayer though I had no idea what that meant yet.

Then Jesus did what He was sent to do, Wash me of my sin. To pardon my death through His death on the cross. To give me new life, by being born again, not of the flesh only but now of the Spirit (John 3: 3-7). As I received His pardon not only did the weight of my burden of the knowledge of sin lift (which felt amazing enough) but the weight of my every sin lifted! I truly felt New even though I had no idea that Jesus actually did just make me a new creation! I left my home overcome with a supernatural joy and remained on me for weeks. Until I started my journey to remain in Christ by grace and not of works. That is for another day.

But today I wanted to say that no one is born a Christian and no one can be forced to be one. This argument that a Christian is only a Christian because of their family or because of their culture is completely false. A Christian is one who has made a conscious decision to come to Christ Jesus for the cleansing of sin. Then we follow Him and His will instead of the worlds way and our own way. This is a daily decision and not one that is made apart from our personal choice.

I now look back and see what I felt that day I discovered what sin was. It was death. I thought I was alive but no. God doesn’t offer us life OR death. Rather He offers us life FROM death. We are born dead in our sin (Ephesians 2)! The first sin we commit seals our fate. It’s only by the mercy of a loving God that a way was prepared for all mankind to be forgiven and made new. He didn’t come to give an ultimatum , He came to ransom us from our state of death because He’s loves us so (Matthew 20:28). He didn’t have to leave His throne and dwell in a finite body for 33 years to be ridiculed and tortured unto death. But He chose to. For you. For me.

He came to live a life perfectly surrendered to the will of God (John 6:38) so that when we are made New in Him when we believe on Him, we might live for the will of God now too. The will of the Father and the ability we are given in Christ to walk in that way should consume us each day. It brings freedom even though we once thought it would bring oppression. It brings life though even though we once thought it would steal our life.

My testimony doesn’t involve a crazy past life. It doesn’t involve salvation from obvious near death. I used to think it was a hindrance. That scripture that says “He who is forgiven much, loves much” (Luke 7:47) used to ring in my head whenever I thought of sharing my story. I erroneously felt I couldn’t love God as much as a person who committed gross sin. That my testimony would be less effective because of my uneventful past. For a few years my husband and I were involved in prison ministry and when you hear the testimonies we heard it can really cause you to compare.

In 2010 Jesus delivered me from being a good person. But it wasn’t until about 2017 that I began to really understand that I too have been forgiven much. It’s not the person who sins the most, loves God the most. It is the person who recognizes the severity of their sin and that it sent Jesus to the cross as much as any other sinner.

Jesus says if we don’t forgive others sins against us then our Father cannot forgive us (Matthew 6:15). By this scripture I really understood, He who is forgiven much loves much.

When the power of self righteousness is broken by His blood, you see something. After trying so hard to be all that you’re new man wants to be, which is the embodiment of love… “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 … and failing repeatedly at it.. blessed are we if it brings us back to the feet of Jesus and cause us to gaze upon His righteousness that clothes us apart from our works. It is only when we see our inability and surrender and stop trying to be righteous and holy that we see how much we have been forgiven.

Then something happens when we look at others in their sin. Instead of holding it over them or looking down on them or hating them, we see ourselves No better than they. And then we see Jesus. And the love He has given us despite our sin that put Him on He cross. No one has so sinned against us in such a manner but He loves us still. And all the sudden the chains of bitterness and unforgiveness are broken and we are set free to love. All the sudden the love of Jesus is given free reign through our mortal body that once was a vessel for dishonor and it becomes His vessel for honor.

And so you see, it’s not He who does worse sins loves God more. It is He who rightly sees his OWN sin and what it cost Jesus, will love much. We have all committed awful sins. And scripture tells us He who is guilty of one sin is guilty of them all (James 2:10).

Never think you are less because you lived a relatively nice life before Jesus. That your testimony isn’t powerful. Never think you don’t have sins that need washed by His own blood because your pretty kind most the time. Let God show you how short you fall from how He designed you to be. In the process He will cleanse you of many deep hurts and set you free.

As He removes the plank from your eye, you will see rightly and love Him much. Then you can begin to help your brother remove the speck from his eye and you will love your brother much. Thus fulfilling the new but not so new commandment of Jesus to first love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and then to love your neighbor as yourself.

Rest assured my fellow “good” person. We are as rotten as the rest. Our testimony counts. We too can love much. We aren’t good but our Savior is. His goodness is given to us apart from our own works. And this is the Good News! That we are wretches and He is good. That we are sinners and He is sinless. That we can’t stand before a righteous God yet He stands there for us and intercedes on our behalf. He is all we are not. And as soon as we realize that, He will make us into all that He is.

Father, cause us to deeply know Your will for our life, which is conforming to the image of Your Son. Teach us to submit our will to yours every moment of the day. Reveal to us all the ways we try to be righteous on our own until we learn what it is to rest in Jesus’ righteousness alone. Amen.